ODINESQUE OBSERVATIONS

The other night a guy turned to me in the bar and said “you are one hot chicken”. Needless to say I wasn’t charmed.

Female bartenders get hit on all the time (if they’re attractive this increases exponentially), and at first it’s flattering. Then you realize that your suitors are drunk (and this is bad, because drunken charming behaviour is often deceptive), and if you look carefully you’ll notice that most of them are hitting on a host of other hapless females in between getting their flirt on at the bar. After a while men become predictable, dumb animals who can’t really be trusted, and aren’t worth the time. But despite female bartenders being some of the most jaded and cynical members of the female species, you don’t actually need a black belt in seduction to get my attention - just don’t hit on me the wrong way:

DON’T use cheesy pick-up lines unless you are very confident and your line is good. A guy once asked me if ‘I come here often?’, and in fairness you could probably call that bad-good. But don’t be that guy.

DON’T assume that I like you back just because you introduce yourself as a city banker. I may be friendly, but it’s my job. If, however, you’re handsome, funny and have an accent (any accent will do), you might be right.

DO be confident and bold. Also, remember to laugh and SMILE. Guys who laugh easily come off as fun and at ease with themselves, and will stand out more from the ones who take themselves too seriously. Anything is better than this.  

DO find out my name and use it in place of ‘babe’, ‘love’, ‘darling’, ‘sexy’, ‘angel’

DON’T ask me out while you’re drunk. I’ll think you’re just, well, drunk. Relative sobriety will go a long way to ensure you’re being taken seriously.  

DON’T ask for my number. It makes me feel cornered, and if I end up giving it to you, you can be certain that I’ll ignore you when you contact me. If you must, leave your own number.  

DO remember that there’s fierce competition. It must be some weird drunken male fantasy to take home a bartender, because you can assume A LOT of other guys will have the same idea as you. If you’re serious about the pursuit you’ll need to put in some effort. Therefore:

DO come back to the bar. I recognize almost all of our returning patrons. Establish yourself as a kind of friend, making conversation when you come in. Keeping me company when it’s not busy is always greatly appreciated. I’ll likely be happy to see you again and greet you with a familiar smile. If on any of these occasions you bring me a sugar free Red Bull (we don’t stock those), I’ll probably be throwing my number at you.

DO abandon ship if you try to strike up conversation when it’s quiet and I still don’t seem interested.

DON’T call me lesbian if I resist your charms. On Saturday a guy told me I’m obviously into women, and if I don’t know it yet, sooner or later I will. Asshole.

DO in other words respect common decency and social mores.